Part 6

(this post was hard to write. It was hard to go back to those feelings... SO hard)

October 2nd, the night before our transfer I wasn't feeling too well. I put it off as nerves, but just couldn't fall asleep because I felt so sick. About 2 in the morning I started throwing up really bad... I was sick. I was throwing up about every 20 minutes for hours and hours. All I could think of was getting over it so I could go to my appointment and get my babies put in me (sounds weird, but that was the plan). Coby would come in and check on me and I could tell he was trying to make me as comfortable as possible without bringing up the appointment. He was excited for it and he knew how excited and desperate I was for that transfer.

At about 6am I remember him coming in to the bathroom and I was laying on the floor. I whispered to him, "I'm not going to get my babies today am I?" He told me probably not and that it would be ok and I could tell he was so sad as I laid there with tears going down my face. That moment is still so hard for me to think about; we were devastated. It was so hard to work towards something for SO long and when you are so close it just doesn't happen. I don't know why this happened, I knew it wasn't a coincidence and there was a reason that day wasn't meant for us, but it was so so hard. Coby's brother Jaron came over around 8 and he and Coby gave me a blessing. I wanted to get better so bad. My appointment was at noon and the sickness had not let up at all. Coby was late for work and had to leave so my mom came over to be with me. At about 11:00 the Dr. called and said I needed to get down there. One of the embryos was about to hatch and we needed to do the procedure at noon. (yes, all embryos hatch out of their shell and then implant into your uterus) My mom helped me get in the shower as I'm still throwing up, we slowly get to the car and I laid in the back seat with a garbage can the whole way to the Dr's office. I was SO sick and so weak... I literally couldn't walk. I hadn't been that sick in years and years.

Coby met us at the Dr's and when he went in to see if they had a wheel chair or anything. Coby came out to the car a few minutes later and told me that the Dr. didn't realize how sick I was and that we couldn't do it. My body was fighting an infection and would reject the embryos. After all we had done to prepare for my body to be in the best position it could be in and it would end up rejecting the embryos anyway. I sat in the back seat and just cried. I know Coby was sad and I felt so guilty for putting this off longer for him. He said the Dr. told him we'd just freeze the embryos and try again next month. One more month. I was so tired of being told "just one more month" It seemed it was always going to be one more month away... always just out of reach. Coby had to go back to work, I went to my parents. After I got home I didn't get sick anymore. Not one more time. I had no breaks leading up to our appointment and as soon as it passed, I didn't get sick. It showed me there was a purpose in it, but it didn't make it much easier. It took me about a week and a half to get my energy back and feel better.

A couple weeks later I had my first Dr's appointment to get ready for the real transfer date. All fertility procedures are expensive... especially IVF. At the end of that appointment they told us it would be an EXTRA $3000 since we didn't do our original transfer date and had to freeze the eggs. I felt so defeated, like we just kept getting more bad news. Coby was so positive through the whole thing. He would say if that's what we have to do, then we're just going to have to do it. (in the end Coby got them to reduce that price to half... but it had caused a lot of stress before they did that) My body was off a bit this month from all the meds it was on the previous month. It took a few days for it to kick back in gear and I was about a week behind. Once I got on track everything went like normal. Our next transfer date was set for November 4th.

Everything went pretty smoothly. We arrived for our transfer and we were planning on putting 2 of our 4 embryos back in. One of those 2 didn't survive the thaw process so they had to thaw a third which meant we only had 1 left if this didn't work. That was hard to process, but we had good odds with this round and my body was ready and the 2 we were transferring were very healthy.

After the transfer I was told to be on strict bed rest for 2-3 days and then you have to take it easy for a few days after that. We went home and I set up camp in the family room laying on the floor with my legs propped up... whatever helps. Chelsee and Ben brought us dinner that night. They brought a huge meal with sparkling cider to celebrate a little bit and Chels brought me pink roses so I'd have something pretty to look at while I couldn't go anywhere. I didn't do much but watch tv and sleep for a few days... we were back on our 2 week wait.

For IVF you don't take a home pregnancy test; instead you get blood work done and they just call you with the results. I knew Coby would be at work all day and I didn't want to get the news at home alone just in case. We asked them to call Coby instead and he told me when they did he would text me "they called" and that is it so I shouldn't look into it and try and figure out the results by his text. November 16th was the day we were going to find out. It was a LONG day. Again, I had the best support group. My friend Kendyl took me out to lunch to get out and just chit chat. She did everything she could to get my mind off of what we would find out that day. She took an extra long lunch from work so she could be with me. I appreciated that so much. After I was done at work, Coby still had a couple hours, so I went to Sunny's. We ate dinner and just talked. Her husband works with Coby and she said she couldn't get anything out of him either. I was SO nervous at this point. By the time Coby told me he was almost home I left Sunny's. As soon as I started the drive home the tears came. I didn't want to know, I was terrified to know.

I walked into our house already crying. Coby came up to me asked me what was wrong and I just said "is it a no???" He nodded and grabbed me and just hugged me. Probably the hardest reality I've ever gotten. I felt so bad that he had to deal with that answer all day and still work. We sat on the couch and cried for... I don't know how long. I told him I couldn't do it anymore, that I didn't want to do it anymore. He asked me if I wanted to adopt next and I yelled "yes" through my really loud crying. Why had I gotten sick and had this drag on longer if it was going to be a no? I didn't understand. That was such a long hard night.

I had texted a few friends and told them. Chelsee called me right away and left me a voicemail just crying. Coby was worried about going to work the next day and leaving me home alone with my thoughts that weren't too happy. We had no idea what to do next. We only had one embryo left what if that didn't thaw? I didn't think I had the emotional stability to go through it again right away with the possibility of getting another no. So many thoughts. I got texts from family the next morning. My mom called and I just cried and told her I didn't understand any of this. Sunny came over the next morning with roses and she walked in and we literally just sat on the floor and cried and cried. Coby told me he got teary at work because he was so grateful that I have such amazing friends and that I wasn't alone.

I think I cried myself to sleep for a week. Coby and I talked about what was next. He was ready to do it again, I wasn't. I was ready to start adoption papers and he agreed that we'd work on them. At the same time it was hard to think you'd never get to see what your kids would look like. We had always talked about what features from both of us we hoped our kids would have and it was scary to possibly let that go. We used to always say Coby would add some height to our family... what if we never got that. It was stressful. We really weren't sure what we were going to do. We had decided to take a short break and do adoption papers while also doing one more round of IVF starting in January.