Starting at the beginning...

So now that I said I would go into this and write all about it I have NO idea where to start. The beginning would be an obvious place, but I still find myself saying I need to just start writing, then I end up starig at the computer forever and don't write a thing.

It's a scary thing to write. It is not something I want to take over my blog or be the main topic, however, this has been what our life has revolved around for quite awhile. It has kind of become our way of life, and we are ok with that. Also as a side note with all of these posts... Once you go through fertility stuff, all the lingo becomes completely normal. Talking about cycles, eggs, sperm, triggers, shots, meds, ovulating... all becomes the norm. Everyone knows everything about your body and it isn't really all a secret anymore. haha So this might get a little blunt and open, but I'll try not to get too much into it.


If you feel the time is right to start a family, it doesn't matter how long you have been trying... that realization each month that "nope... didn't work" is so hard. I think everyone thinks it won't happen to them, and it will come easy. I thought that. Then each month the "nope" was so frustrating. The desires to build your family are pure, why is it not happening for us? I remember at about the 6 month mark (of trying) going in for my yearly OB appointment and asking her what she thought about why we were having a hard time and the nurse said, "At your age... it usually takes a long time"... then she walked out. That bugged me for so long! At my age?! I was 25 at the time! That was supposed to be prime age! It is hard seeing babies all around you, people who don't want to get pregnant are getting pregnant, and sometimes it just feels lonely.


We had been trying to get pregnant about 9 months when I just felt like something was off and really wanted to go see a fertility Dr. It was a gut feeling. I knew that it could take years for healthy people to conceive with no reasoning behind it. Knowing what I know now about all the science that it takes to get pregnant, I am amazed how common pregnancy is at all! It is truly a miracle for everything to align and to get a healthy pregnancy. However, badly as I wanted answers, Coby wasn't ready. I knew it wasn't something we could do until we were both on board. More months went by... and it was hard. Personally for me, it was that I felt like we were at a stand still. I just wanted answers, I wanted to be proactive in the process and not just waiting around, but I knew I had to be patient; we both needed to be ready for the next step, but that gut feeling was constantly there.

After about 16 months of trying, Coby could tell how hard it was for me and he said that we were going to see a fertility Dr. It was an anniversary gift to each other (we are so dang romantic!) I don't think I would ever be ready for what we would find out, but I was thrilled to be moving in the right direction. I had a few friends recommend a particular fertility Dr. I didn't know anywhere else to go, I didn't know steps to finding the right Dr. for us so we jumped in with both feet with this Dr. We were told it sometimes took a couple months to get in for a first appointment. I called and left messages with no call backs. Now that Coby was with me and we were both wanting answers, I wanted in ASAP, I wanted the next step to look forward to. Something that helped me so much during this whole thing is the "next" appointment. Whatever it may be, I had a next step to look forward to, there was another thing to try. After 3 days I got a call back from the office. She said she had just gotten off a phone call with a patient who couldn't make her appointment and asked if I wanted it. It was 4 days away! I jumped on that so fast when I knew their usual waiting list. She told me that it would probably just be a consultation because you have to be on a certain day in your cycle to do anything other than that for starters. As luck would have it, I would be on the exact day that I needed to be to start right then and there. We got Coby's first test done so that the Dr. would have his results at the consult appointment. Everything was working out so well I was sure this is what we needed to be doing and timing was perfect we were going to have success fast.




I guess I should say that this all happened in the first week of March. This is awhile ago, and for all we've done since it seems like a REALLY long time ago. Ok, so appointment time came and I was NERVOUS! Didn't know what to expect, didn't know what I would have to do, didn't know what I'd hear results wise or what we would be getting into and Coby couldn't get off work to come with me. Cue my frantic text to Chelsee for some comforting words. Instead of just words she said, "let me get a babysitter and I'll come with you." I am going to be doing a whole separate post on having support systems through all of this, but let me tell you... this girl was a lifesaver (and still is). I got so much information at that appointment that I didn't remember any of my questions I had before, I didn't remember half the stuff the Dr. told me, but Chelsee knew. She sat by me asking the right questions, reminding me what he was telling me (probably in easier terms), and kept reassuring me that we were making progress and this was all good as I sat with a blank stare trying to comprehend it all. I got blood work done, ultra sound done, all on the first day since I was on that exact day in my cycle. Long story short, we learned we have a less than 3% chance to ever conceive on our own. That is not very high. I don't think it sank in for a long time since I had so many other things going through my head. I left that appointment with a long list of meds to take and shots and everything to get ready for an IUI (artificial insemination) in just a short couple weeks. I also had another appointment set up for that same week to do a HSG procedure. That is where they shoot dye up your tubes to see if they are clogged or all clear. I was so nervous for this because I had heard stories of how painful it was. In fact, the nurse had to tell me jokes prior to the procedure becuase they needed me to chill out so my blood pressure would go down. It wasn't as bad as I was expecting. They had updated the ink solution to not be as painful. My tubes were mostly blocked, so they stick little wires through your tubes to clear them out and you see the ink go all the way through. It took about 5 minutes and was done.

I think the news that we will probably never conceive on our own didn't hit me too hard because I was still so thrilled to be moving forward and getting answers. I finally felt like that gut feeling of needing to see a Dr was justified. Coby on the other hand took it very hard. I don't think he was himself for a week. It isn't easy to hear, and it is still hard to comprehend.

waiting to do our first IUI. I was so nervous I felt sick. This is me not excited... I have a hard time with unfamiliar things.

Coby totally relaxed... me trying to distract myself with games. Nervous mess.

We did our first IUI and needless to say it didn't work. Actually we got the results on the morning of my birthday. Worst birthday gift ever!!! Since then we have done it 2 more times, 2 more failed attempts, switched Dr's, done more tests, TONS of shots, 2 months of hormone balancing to prep for IVF (invetro fertilization). I will go into more about each step. There is lots to tell.

Trigger shot: makes you ovulate 36-39 hrs after shot. You do the IUI at hour 38

This is where I say that I was TERRIFIED of needles. I hate needles, didn't like them and took a picture of my trigger shot because I thought it would be my one and only since of course the first time would work for us.... wait til you see my most recent pics. NEEDLE CITY!

Our first IUI I think I was set that it was going to work. The 2 week wait is sooo long so I thought I'd make a chain to make it go by faster. Problem when it doesn't end up working is you have this sign on your wall that says "BABY" on it. Coby quickly hid that after we found out. Not such a great idea.

We have had time now to let it sink in and we are ok with how our story has played out. We have accepted it and are determined to do everything we can do to get our babies here. Doesn't matter how it happens, we just know that we need to try everything. Infertility does get easier if you do everything you can do. We feel ok about it. We have found blessings in it. We have been lucky to only grow SO SO much closer together through the process. I don't remember a day where infertility put any sort of wedge between us in our marriage which is incredibly lucky. Not many couples can say that. We have learned to get through hard things together, how each person acts and needs to deal with hard things, and how to be there for each other.

Here are my first 2 cents of advice. Don't label yourself with infertility until you get diagnosed with it. It will only add stress and strain to what is an already frustrating thing. I have heard many women who have said, "we have been trying to conceive for a few months now. Infertility is so hard!" Yes it is hard, but don't put that on your shoulders unless something is wrong. The word itself does add a bit of pain to what is already hard. Second, if you think something is wrong, go see a fertility specialist. Do not waste your time at your OB. They can't do much to help besides give you clomid (which isn't healthy) and you just won't get very many answers. You will get so much more out of seeing a trained Dr. who know's how how check for anything and everything. (ok, off soap box... please don't be offended)

so that was kind of a lot for a first post. to be cont.....